Relationships: Who Is In Your 12?

Relationships: One of a 3-Part  “-ATION” Series

Twelve is the maximum number of people about whom you can care deeply at any one time, according to journalist Malcolm Gladwell writing in The Tipping Point (Back Bay Books, 2002.)

The idea that we have a “channel capacity” when it comes to relationships – a natural limitation to the number of relationships we can process and maintain at a time – is not new. Jesus invested in the lives of the 12 disciples. When He really wanted to share deeply, He got together with just three: Peter, James, and John.

Intimate versus “Just Social”

Ministry doesn’t happen without authentic relationships. But they take time and energy to build.

It can be tempting to buy into the current Facebook mentality that says you can have 2,156 close friends who follow your every movement on social media. Yet as you increase the number of genuine relationships you maintain, you increase the time you must invest in them – and time is limited. Human beings are wired to for 10-15 intimate connections, although we can maintain genuine social relationships with up to 150 people. Beyond that, people become strangers to one another.

Your twelve may change during life’s seasons. Some consume energy. Others generate energy. All are messy and take time.

Who’s in Your Twelve?

Effective leaders understand their natural limitations when it comes to the number of healthy, deep, significant relationships they can maintain. The point is intentionality. You can’t be everyone’s best friend. With whom does God want you to grow close? As you choose purposefully, notice your twelve may –

• Push you to have good, better and best ideas (not just okay ones)
• Need to mature, and you have keys to help them do so
• Pray for you every day
• Spur you to be generous
• Catch you when you fool yourself, believe your own press releases, or take yourself too seriously
• Laugh at you and help you laugh at yourself
• Always bring you back to God when you’re down

You can ask God to give you friends, or you can ask Him to give you friends that “stick closer than a brother”— as Jesus called them.

Ask Him. Choose well. Make your twelve count.

Growth Point

• You have the capacity to care deeply about twelve people at any one time. Choose well.

Scripture

• Jesus replied, “Have I not chosen you, the Twelve?” (John 6:70)

Prayer Points

• List the names of people whose death would leave you truly devastated. How might this list help you identify your current 12?
• Of your relationships, which generate energy? Which consume energy?
• What’s your number one relationship and how can you cultivate it more deeply?

More from the -ATION Series

Impartation: You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Have

Transformation: Why the Caterpillar Fights His Way Out of the Bag